Growing up Christian, one of the mentalities that I had been brainwashed into believing could essentially be summarized as:
"Fake it until you make it."
Or, more elaborately, if you do not now feel a particular way or believe a particular thing that you think you should, then perform actions and indoctrinate yourself in that feeling or belief, and after long enough, you will find that, without trying, you actually feel or believe that.
This is a conviction that our feelings and beliefs are the byproduct of outside forces and stimulation, and that we as individuals are not in ourselves beings that think, feel and believe from within, pouring out.
I have learned the very hard way that this method does not work. It may change the words I say, and may change the way I appear on the outside. It might keep me from hurting people, or destroying things in my life. At least, for a while.
But there came a day, brought on by an event, or a hormonal change, or a rise of passionate feelings, in which I could not deny who I was and what I truly felt or believed. On that day, my relationships and lifestyle had all been based on doing the right thing in spite of what was brewing on the inside, and I found myself totally breaking down.
There are obviously limitations and boundaries and appropriations with what we do with our feelings. There are things we have to do to respect the landscapes and contexts and people in and with which we find ourselves. There is morality insofar as we should take care not to hurt one another where it can be avoided. Maybe our actions should be considered good if everyone in our society acted the way we are acting. However, nobility cannot come at the cost of denying who we are, how we feel, and what we believe, in the grander sense of each of those.
I couldn't figure out why I was so guilty and miserable and confused and torn and frustrated and disappointed. I was going to just go ahead and die feeling all of those things.
I never intended to change in this way. I never thought I could be so wrong.
I feel liberated seeing that I can't "pray away the gay" in my life. It is such a relief that I don't have to "fake it until I make it." In my maturity, I know and fully accept that I will not get everything I want, but I am excited not to have to feel guilty about wanting it--or not wanting it, as the case may be.
An added side effect of this personal discovery is how it affects my judgment of other people's actions and desires. I have admittedly been very judgmental over the years. The basis for this judgment has been this very mentality I have discussed above. Because I thought people just chose all their feelings, and controlled them through their actions, I could not figure out why people acted in ways that hurt them or others. But, here I am, totally wrecked by my own actions, standing among the fallout of my words and actions as I wrestled with how to keep faking it. I am not any better at this than anyone else, and just excited to finally give it an honest shot.
I look forward to what happens next...
