Attention, Appreciation and Healthier Relationships

"She needs to feel appreciated. Pet her and tell her she's a good girl, and she'll wriggle like a puppy. But ignore her and she'll spill soup on you just to get your attention."

- Lazarus Long describing Dora in Robert A. Heinlein's Time Enough for Love (pg.88)


This is a description of a child's need for attention, and a willingness to do negative things to get attention when that child is feeling ignored. The context makes it clear that Dora, his ship's artificially intelligent computer, was intentionally stunted in her development, and is still a child in some regards. A good and responsible ship computer, she gets the job done with expertise and reliability, but she also needs attention and emotional reinforcement the way a child might.

The need for positive reinforcement and attention, though, is not limited to children. It is in all of us. Feeling wanted, needed, appreciated, valued, loved, etc. are very important aspects of our emotional structures throughout our lives. Most of us outgrow doing negative things to capture attention when feeling ignored, but we certainly find other coping skills to deal with those same feelings because attention and appreciation are still very important to us.

Our coping skills may fall on a spectrum from very healthy to very unhealthy. Our successes and failures in implementing those skills are hopefully teaching us to refine them. Hopefully, our unhealthy habits are getting some constructive negative reinforcement, and we are learning from that feedback. In time, I hope, our skills in managing attention and appreciation will be healthier, and our relationships will be healthier because of it.

People in our lives who leave when we hurt them give us an ambiguous message. Was our behavior unhealthy, driving them away, or did they leave for some other reason? Those who stick around, though, and give us constructive criticism, offer us a very clear picture of how we can improve. For this reason, I feel encouraged by those in my life who call me out and set expectations for me. I respect that their point of view may not be healthier than mine, but the external feedback certainly helps as I reflect and process my own behaviors and hopefully move toward healthier choices.

I extend my thanks to all who are in relationship with me. Your feedback and constructive criticism is welcome and appreciated.