Every Whisper of Every Waking Hour

I am listening to R.E.M.'s The One I Love.

For reasons I can't explain, this is probably the song most often stuck in my head.
It probably has the fewest lyrics of any song I know, and yet I also feel like I'm not remembering all of them.

Truth is, I forgot the one word chorus: Fire!

But it is this one line that sticks with me: "A simple prop to occupy my time."

I didn't remember 'prop'. I kept singing it to myself as 'pawn.'
I'm not sure that one is necessarily better than the other. A prop is a lifeless piece of the scene. It is used by the actor and its involvement inevitably points back to the character or plot. The prop itself is not the focus, and only has value insofar as it adds to the audience's experience of the scene, plot or characters. On the other hand, a pawn is a piece of the player's game. Easily sacrificed for the overall pursuit of victory. The most likely to be collateral damage. A thing that only has value insofar as it serves the greater good perceived by the player.

As that line echoes in my mind, I feel a great sadness for this prop, or pawn. If there is anyone whom I consider in that way, they are being used by me, and not truly being loved by me. This makes the song painfully ironic.

I change songs, but not artists. Now, Losing My Religion is playing.

As I stare into tear soaked eyes, and listen to whispers of fears that the future no longer looks quite as bright, I softly admit, "Tomorrow is not ruined by the choices we make today. The future is made all the more worthwhile."

Have you ever told anyone, "Life is bigger than you, and you are not me." Every time I've done it, the other person has heard it as an insult. That's not really a surprise, when I think about it.

I told someone once that I had just said too much, but hadn't said enough. Catching the reference, that person simply said, "Get out of the corner." Even now, that response makes me smile and snort a little.

"I thought that I heard you laughing. I thought that I heard you sing."

It is significant to me that he does not hear you, but only thought he did.

Have you ever wanted to not feel the way you do? It is not that you do not feel that way. You do feel it. But, you don't want to. You wish you didn't. You may even try to force it, or hide it, or deny it, but in the end, you simply can't. You feel that way.

"I think I thought I saw you try."

Here, he does not even think it. Not really. He only thinks he thought he saw.

"Consider this, the slip that brought me to my knees, failed. What if all these fantasies come flailing around?"

Bertrand Russell, in an essay about why he was not a Christian, explained that the religion would compare two people: On the one hand was an international relief worker, going around the world saving lives and making a profound impact on the world. This brave and heroic person also favored the company of sexual partners to whom she was not married. On the other hand was a person who never left home, never lifted a finger to help a neighbor, and never saw beyond her own nose, but also never 'sinned.' His issue was that the religion inevitably glorified the selfish for not sinning and demonized the hero as a sinner.

In my own life, I have found that I have been the go-nowhere hermit who sought never to sin. Only recently have I even considered stepping out, and my greatest fear is that I will fail. It is a needless fear, though, because I know that I will certainly fail at some point in some way. I will hurt to the point of being brought to my knees. But, there is a hope that pushes me out that door with confidence, and this song speaks to that confidence when Michael sings:

"Every whisper of every waking hour, I'm choosing my confessions."

I am choosing...