Beliefs Matter

In his book, "Jews, God and History," I recall Max Dimont explaining why he was going to speak about God's influence on history without necessitating any particular belief about God's existence. I remember him arguing that people's action made history, and their beliefs inspired those actions. Therefore, because the people who made history believed in God, those beliefs about God influenced history. That is to say that beliefs matter, and are something to seriously consider.

Years before reading Dimont's history of the Jews, I sat in a philosophy class that covered debates regarding the existence of God. Our instructor presented Anselm's ontological argument that God, as the supreme being, is the greatest thing that can be conceived. Anselm's argument looked something like this:

(Belief + Existence) > Belief

Our instructor then went on to present the counter argument, saying that it was not philosophically sound to compare something to nothing. Listening to his explanation, I became troubled, because I found that the argument was reduced to this:

(Nothing + Something) > Nothing

Existence is something. We can agree there. However, the assumption that beliefs are nothing is something I found very troubling. I would wrestle with this for years until I picked up Max Dimont's history of the Jews. His explanation for how God, as a belief, shaped history spoke to my troubled mind and brought me clarity on the issue of the significance of belief.

Like Dimont, I do not necessitate any particular belief about God, and I am not supporting or refuting Anselm's argument. God is not my focus. Belief is my focus.

Beliefs, whether we share them or not, shape our actions, and our actions shape our history.

This brings me to why beliefs matter in our interpersonal relationships. Those with whom you interact--those whose histories are inevitably intertwined with your own--are going to have some inaccurate beliefs. Likewise, you are going to have some inaccurate beliefs. As we engage in relationship, you will have to evaluate how significant the accuracy of a belief is in each situation. Consider the following:


Some inaccurate beliefs need to be corrected promptly

Correcting inaccurate beliefs is of paramount importance when safety is a concern. For example, your friend has dived into a river a hundred times before, and is about to dive in again, operating on the belief that the water level has not significantly dropped. Pointing out the lower water level could save her life. Correct her right away and with zeal.


Some inaccurate beliefs should be corrected as soon as possible

Inaccurate beliefs can affect relationships, academic or career choices. For example, your partner may believe that you do not find him as attractive as you used to because you are temporarily withholding some physical aspect of your relationship. Your reason for doing this is actually because of a medical issue that you are allowing to heal, and aren't anxious to tell him about. To prevent him from suffering feelings of rejection or dissatisfaction, I'd encourage you to tell him about the medical issue. It may be embarrassing to you, but it will save him the needless heartache while you heal.


Not all inaccurate beliefs need to be corrected by you

Transitioning beliefs from inaccurate to accurate can be a journey for the believer, and I am hopefully not the first to tell you that the journey, in many regards, means more than the destination. You are going to encounter other people's inaccurate beliefs, and while they might value you as a listener or sojourner, they may prefer not listening to you nitpick and correct all their beliefs before they have had a chance to reevaluate them. For example, your dad might believe the news channel he religiously watches is offering an unbiased presentation of the news. You could argue that a different station actually does that, or you could argue that no station or source does that. Alternatively, you could avoid conflict by letting your dad continue in his belief until a local story with which he is familiar is covered in an evidently biased way. At that time, he might change his belief. Doing so would be entirely up to him, and the two of you will have avoided unnecessary conflict.


Your beliefs might not be as accurate as you believe they are

The possibility of your own inaccuracy is the most important and probably the most difficult consideration when discussing beliefs. Leaders or sources of information who are accustomed to encouraging their audiences to believe particular things come under considerable scrutiny for this, but it is really something we all have to take seriously. Your point of view is a construct of lens and scene. If you have a smudge on your lens, you are going to see it in front of you, and you may mistake it for something in the scene. You could be operating on the belief that your lens is perfectly reliable and that it cannot get smudges or blind spots. Consider our above examples again:

The friend diving into the river does not consider the water level, but also does not realize that she is not considering it. That is a blind spot in her point of view.

Your partner, who takes your limited physical affection personally, does not consider alternative reasons why you would be acting that way. His believed reason is of his own creation, and he is not aware that he has invented this reason. That is a smudge on the lens of how he sees the situation, and how he sees you.

Your dad believes his news source is being honest when they call themselves unbiased. He trusts them completely.


It is important to consider when it is appropriate to correct another person's beliefs because nitpicking and constantly correcting can annoy, upset, or hurt the other person. In this, I consider the golden rule. Is this the type of situation in which I would really appreciate being corrected, or is it a type of situation in which I would want the space and freedom to figure it out for myself? I want to be conscientious in giving others what I would want. On the other hand, I need to appreciate that those around me may have different opinions or temperaments regarding when correction is wanted. It pays to know what they want, and give that to them if or when appropriate.

Regardless of whether the beliefs are accurate or inaccurate, though, I find it important and helpful to remember that beliefs, whether we share them or not, shape our actions, and our actions shape our history. Therefore, I try to always consider beliefs when evaluating another person's actions.

Attention, Appreciation and Healthier Relationships

"She needs to feel appreciated. Pet her and tell her she's a good girl, and she'll wriggle like a puppy. But ignore her and she'll spill soup on you just to get your attention."

- Lazarus Long describing Dora in Robert A. Heinlein's Time Enough for Love (pg.88)


This is a description of a child's need for attention, and a willingness to do negative things to get attention when that child is feeling ignored. The context makes it clear that Dora, his ship's artificially intelligent computer, was intentionally stunted in her development, and is still a child in some regards. A good and responsible ship computer, she gets the job done with expertise and reliability, but she also needs attention and emotional reinforcement the way a child might.

The need for positive reinforcement and attention, though, is not limited to children. It is in all of us. Feeling wanted, needed, appreciated, valued, loved, etc. are very important aspects of our emotional structures throughout our lives. Most of us outgrow doing negative things to capture attention when feeling ignored, but we certainly find other coping skills to deal with those same feelings because attention and appreciation are still very important to us.

Our coping skills may fall on a spectrum from very healthy to very unhealthy. Our successes and failures in implementing those skills are hopefully teaching us to refine them. Hopefully, our unhealthy habits are getting some constructive negative reinforcement, and we are learning from that feedback. In time, I hope, our skills in managing attention and appreciation will be healthier, and our relationships will be healthier because of it.

People in our lives who leave when we hurt them give us an ambiguous message. Was our behavior unhealthy, driving them away, or did they leave for some other reason? Those who stick around, though, and give us constructive criticism, offer us a very clear picture of how we can improve. For this reason, I feel encouraged by those in my life who call me out and set expectations for me. I respect that their point of view may not be healthier than mine, but the external feedback certainly helps as I reflect and process my own behaviors and hopefully move toward healthier choices.

I extend my thanks to all who are in relationship with me. Your feedback and constructive criticism is welcome and appreciated.